Day 115-126: This was my year...

When it comes to things that frighten me, not many thing can be listed under that category. However, I am only human & I do have my flaws. That in mind, I have things that frighten me. I should say 'frighten' per say, worried is more appropriate. Anyways, the future worries the hell out of me. After the year I have had, could you blame me? Oh...I forgot for a moment you can't read minds. Well, in that case let me give you a brief list of things that made what you could call 'this year':

-Had the one person that meant the world to me take his life with his own hands.

-Fell in love for the first time.

-Moved 1000 miles away.

-Started a blog that I am seriously slacking on.

-Disobeyed.

-Broke the law.

-Met people who will forever be my friends.

-Doubted myself.

-Picked up some nasty habits.

-Picked up some wonderful habits.

-Felt heartbreak for the first time.

-Overnight went from teenager to adult.

-Read 146 books.

-Hated myself.

-Loved myself.

-Learned to slightly take a compliment.

-Grew apart from my family.

-Wondered.

-People watched.

-Drank too much tea for my own well being.

-Opened up about my life for the first time.

-Learned to trust again.

-Learned not to trust so quickly.

-I was forgotten by my Grandfather.

-Hurt myself.

-Saved myself.

I remember telling myself that this was going to be my year. I was moving to Massachusetts in a few months, meeting new people, had a good attitude & confidence. I cut everything that I told myself out after the first incident. It all went down hill from there. I know most of you are thinking 'well with an attitude like that, it's inevitable.' Bull. I kept my head high every time something negative happened but just slightly did it start to lower. I can now surely tell you all that I'm staring at my feet. The good thing about the new year is that...well...it's a new year. However, 'new year' simply does not mean that some fairy comes & taps you on the head with a magical stick & all is well. That suddenly anything that made a negative effect on your life within the last year, disappears...it follows you like it or not. What is there to convince me that this year will be any better? It could be just as bad or worse. Who knows?

I don't cry often. I think the last time I cried was when my Grandfather asked who I was the last time I saw him before he died. Besides that, I haven't cried in years. I'm not afraid of it, I just don't see any reason for it. However, when something really does upset me I'm not afraid to show it. Matter of fact, I'm crying right now. No self pity, so don't try to pull that crap. My blog might I remind you.

Usually my family & I go to Wisconsin to our other house for snowmobiling & such for the new year. I had to stay home this year due to homework assignments. I'm alone for new years. So, when midnight rolls around, I'm not going to be home, I'm not going to be partying or cheering to the new year; I will be laying beside my Grandfather's grave with Kevin's urn at my side watching the stars. THAT is how I'm welcoming the new year.

Day 113-114: Popsicle legs

This entry is going to be beyond random, I can promise you.

I have weird dreams. When I do, I always tell my friends back in MA about them since they seem to get a kick out of it usually. Some of my dreams consist of things like Massachusetts in a bikini, Alaska in a shark's mouth, Colorado as Tarzan & myself as Jane (trust me it's not ass odd as it sounds).

Anywho, I had a dream last night. I had a dream that I was snowboarding with Colorado in what seemed to be Hawaii but with snow. I took a turn that made me lose Colorado but had me ending up in Narnia. I took off my board & walked barefoot through the forest but when I stepped on a stick, a herd of white bunnies (not rabbits, there is a huge difference) ran to my feet & starting biting at them. I tried to push them away but they just kept nibbling. So I ran but they ran too. I figured there was no use, so I just sat on a stump & let them gnaw. I looked up at the woods & guess who caught my eye? No not Colorado, I have no idea where he is. It was Alaska. He was standing there in a top hat, with a circus man mustache, a batch of carrots & smirk on his face. He was the ringleader of these bunnies. I looked at him, pointed & said 'YOU!'. He then made some weird 'yip tip' type noise & his bunnies ceased. I looked down at my feet to see nothing but two Popsicle sticks taking their place. Then when I went to go say a remark to Alaska, he mouthed the words 'yum yum' in slow motion. That's when I heard the faint sound of little feet in a large quantity coming towards me. By my side was a glass of water of which I have NO IDEA where it came from but it was the typical thing you say when a herd was heading your way. I looked back up at Alaska as he was twirling his mustache & snickering to himself. Within a few seconds a herd of beavers came nibbling at my feet. Then I woke up.

That's all my entry will be about for today.

<--If I were to draw you a beaver, like I did for Alaska, this is what if would look like.

Day 108-112: Judgement

Judgement is the reason why this world is eternally (pardon my French) fucked up. I hate swearing, I really do but I use it when necessary. Well...a lot more than I should lately; you could ask Alaska, he's always gives me 'the look' when I swear. Anyways, fucked up is what the world is, but I refuse to be one to make it more fucked up than it already is.

When I become a mother...I'm sorry, IF I become a mother...I will never judge my kids how my mother judges me. What exactly is 'judgement', you ask? Well, let me clarify for you what 'judgment' is...

judg·ment [juhj-muhnt]

–noun

1.

an act or instance of judging.

There you go. Now you know what 'judgement' really mean. 'Lisa's Mother' should be under that description also. She thinks threatening her daughter with not paying for college if I don't 'knock off all the freakish behavior' such as piercings, dreading hair & CONSIDERING tattoos. Seriously? Last time I checked those were just ways for a person to define themselves. In all honesty, why do people care so much if it's not hurting anyone? If it's doing no one harm & NO ONE is getting effected by it; who the hell cares?

My family is broken. They like to pretend like we are 'okay' but we aren't. I still haven't figured out a way to tell my Mother that i'm not coming back home when i'm done with college. She has it set in her mind that when i'm done with college, everything will be the same just now I have a college education. Bull. That's not how life works & it's kind of sad that she hasn't figured it out.

I won't even get started on my sisters & their judgement. This entry would be probably a novel if I were to do so.

On the sunny side...my Polaroid film came in the mail and now I must go make Christmas cards.

Day 97-107: It's going to be worth it

It's been a while, yet again.

I'm back home in Chicago due to a couple of deaths. One of which was my Grandpa that I mention in my previous entry. I found this out on the day I took my first trip to NYC. I'm not going to talk much about him since I have nothing more to say except that the day of his funeral I didn't shed a tear. These are the types of things that show myself that I'm not like most people. While attending the funeral everyone was sad, as usual. I however, saw everything was created because of his existence. 8 children, 26 grandchildren & 9 great grand children. Those are just people. I won't even get into how many memories the man has made for us.

Lets talk about NYC, shall we? Nothing like Chicago, by any means. I don't like it there. At least not this time. I felt like a sardine in a can. For a big city, everything was crammed & ignorant. There was a ton of beauty that came along with it. The city really spiked a mass amount of respect for the fashion scene.

Now, shall we chat about school? I think we may. I'm missing a crap load of work that I will have to make up when I head back to Massachusetts. Also, I miss my friends back there. Mainly Alaska, Maine, Massachusetts & Colorado since they are the ones I mostly hang out with. Also, I might add that I've made a new friend a while ago. She's going by the name of North Carolina. She's blunt & straight forward but very kind hearted. Somewhat like me just a little more simple. I miss her very much too.

I've come to realize that life is not suitable for me. I can try & explain myself to people, try & get them to see who I am but no one seems to relate. I've said it once & I'll say it again; I have a complicated mind but live it as simply as I can. I let people know what I want them to know about me.

It's snowing here & I couldn't love it anymore than I already do. There is something that I love when it snows. Everything is so peaceful & innocent. Winter I hate as a time but love as a season.

'I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.'

Day 84-96: Hello & Good-bye.

It's been a while, I know.

While I Was Out:
----------------------
-Went home to Chicago.
-Finished a painting.
-Met someone new to the world.
-Said good-bye to someone familiar to this world.
-Cried.
-Found out what I'm truly made of.

For the most part, that ^^ is what happened while I was gone.

My Grandpa showed me what effect being away truly has on a person. This is the first Thanksgiving that he wasn't at. No, he's not dead. He was just in the hospital. However, the next day he did come home. I stood over my Mom as she sat next to him & held his hand. She asked him if he was okay & he replied with a 'no'. For my whole 20 years of knowing the man, I never saw him cry; until that day. He's the type of man that introduced me to the Boogeyman (or what he liked to call the 'Boogerman'), habanero peppers & has way too much southern ignorance to share with the world but as he shed a tear from his 80 year old eyes, he wiped it away as quick as his bruised, cancer filled arms would let him.

It was my turn to talk to my Grandpa. Mind you, this was the day before I left to go back to Massachusetts. I sat next to him & held his hand. He looked at me puzzled & I said 'Hi Grandpa.' He replied back with a 'Who's you?'. There were about 5 of us in the room at the time & he seemed to remember everyone one, but me. He talked to me like a friend rather than his grand-daughter. I'm nothing but a memory for him now. I'm his 'friend', not a grandchild. I talked to him about applesauce mostly. Sooner than I thought dinner was done & my mom called us to come eat. I told him that 'I'll be right back, I'm going to eat'. He said 'okay, that's fine. Hurry back.' Sadly, when I finished, he was already asleep. That was the last time I was probably going to see/ talk to that man & it was about god-damn applesauce...I guess I get my 'uniqueness' from him. He WOULD be one to pick smashed fruit as a subject to be the last thing to talk about. He kept me up thinking late one night to come to the realization that soon I will not have someone to call 'Grandpa'. He's been the only grandpa I have ever had & soon HE won't even be there.

Living here is getting a hold of me. I'm liking it less & less, sadly. I'm tired of having emotional whiplash every time I wake up. I'm even more so tired of posting such melancholy blogs. Jebus...

On a lighter note. England is no longer going to Hallmark & we miss him. YES ENGLAND, this is directed towards you! We miss your British charm you gave the school but we are pissed you didn't say good-bye.

Also, Colorado cut his hair...I loved his long hair. Yes, LOVED; past-tense. It is no more...


<--Harley & I.

<---Harley & his Dad.