Day 182-188: DONE

DONE!

I really need to stop procrastination when it comes to my photography.

I don't really know what to write besides the fact that I feel free now & it's extremely hot in my house since my room mate likes to keep the heat to 85.

Also, I wish people weren't such cocky, self righteous asses. It's not attractive at all. It is actually quite disgusting. Get over yourself.

If your a nice person, you're okay in my book.

Day 174-181: This is about Virgina

It's been long. So long that when I went into my Blogger account, it had signed me out of my 'keep me signed in' mode.

I've had one thing stuck on my mind today, but let me start from the beginning.

Today we had a guest speaker that was a photo journalist. He covered everything from the presidents to kids playing outside in the snow. He did however sometimes have to cover not so nice things such as the Virginia Tech shooting. When he brought that I instantly thought of Virginia (the person). I haven't talked about him much in my blogs lately...in a while actually, but this entry is for him.

I'm not going to go into details about what happened in Virginia's past because it's not my place to tell any of you, but what I will tell you is that he was a student at VT at the time. That day was not a good one for him by any means. I'm sure you all can let your minds ponder that & possibly fit the pieces together.

Virginia, I know it was hard for you to watch him talk about that crap & it sucks, I know. Even though it was rough for you I have to thank you for being so strong & also thank you for giving me a photographic book idea that I will be dedicating to you & every victim of VT.

I'm not going to say what the book is going to be about or of. You all will have to wait. It will be touching though. That, I can promise.

In other news, I did my first photoshoot with someone I didn't know personally. By the end of the photo shoot however we were friends. This girl was the sweetest thing ever & was such a badass when it came to understanding my photography & vision.

.

Day 170-173: Combustion of a mushroom cloud

This blog is a vent blog. Just fare warning for those who don't like and/or have a problem with when I set my opinion free on the inter web; don't read it.

One thing that has angered me beyond all belief today is humanity. Most of it; not all of it. I don't like how people could be such asses to each other & be content with the way they are living. How's about I list the things I do not like about a person & in some way upon a freak accident I meet a person with all the below traits...I will combust into a mushroom cloud.

People who are:

-Self righteous
-Ignorant
-Gloaters
-Self Centered
-Obtuse
-Pompous
-Glory whores
-Annoying
-Interrupters
-Attention whores
-Know it alls
-Too serious
-Over punctual
-Perfectionist
-Arrogant

AND MOST OF ALL

-Mean

Mind you, this is not all I can list.

I can back up anything that I have listed as to why I do not like it if ANYONE has a problem with it. That's not me being a bitch like most of you take me as. If you were to meet me in person & actually know me as a person, you would never guess that I wrote such 'in your face' blogs. That is me just stating what I believe in. As I made that list there was a few people who popped in my head & they will never know it.


I'm here for the wrong reasons. That's what I feel like. I feel like I'm no good at photography & my simple humbleness has turned into straight out doubting woe. I should have specified that this is directed towards commercial work. Today, I got to the point of crying while I went to check my voice mail.

I'm lost.

Just a thought

My teacher was right. If you post something negative, more people read it. It seems that my post about my room mate got a lot of hits one of which was her. Darn.

Word of advice for all you soon to be college kids who are rooming; DO NOT ROOM WITH GIRLS.

That is all.

Day 163-169: B-Word

Since it is barley 10am & I am already bored with my day I figured I would update my blog for once since I'm seriously slacking.

The last few weeks have been full of stress due to people around me, school & back home stuff. However, I can react to it in a positive way...most the time.

Last night I went to bed at 3am & had to get up at 5:30am to get in the shower before my room mate since she likes to sit & ponder what the day has in store for her in the shower. Also, I had to leave at 7am today to get equipment. Mind you I don't have classes at all today. It sucks being this tired & not being able to go back to sleep.

Later on in the day I have to assist Alaska with a lawyer shoot. Business people make me nervous. I feel like they know everything I ever did that was against the law.

I need motivation desperately. I have two weeks to shoot 16 assignments, type a business plan & to make business cards. I really hate procrastinating but somehow I always end up doing it. I guess you can never know how good not procrastinating is if you have never procrastinated before. Geez, could I say procrastinate anymore in a sentence? PRO-CRAST-INATE!

This entry is absolutely pointless. I don't have anything on my mind rather than graduation...& how big of a b-word my one room mate is being. Let's chat about that, shall we?

For some reason she thinks it was 'adult' to take everything that was hers in the kitchen (the kitchen is the only place where we share stuff such as pots, pans, etc.) & put it, where I suppose, would be her room. I have never met a more arrogant, self righteous, greedy IGNORANT person in my life. Who does that? Your what 23 (maybe 24, I don't know when your birthday passed) & you're acting child? We have two eighteen year olds in the house & I think they have got their head screwed on better than you. You can take your stuff, that's fine but don't expect us to bend over fucking backwards for you & don't think that you can pull this kind of bullshit & expect us to react in a graceful manor. You don't want us to touch your stuff, fine; don't touch ours either. Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

P.S. I SAW YOU USE MAINE'S TOASTER!

Day 156-162: This is a rough one

It's been a while yet again but there is a reason I waited until today to write this entry; I knew it was going to be hard.

We have all lost loved ones, no doubt about it but have you ever lost someone that made you feel like what you were good at wasn't a bad thing, that you're not a piece of shit, that you are here for a reason, who had an ear whenever you needed to vent, but a mouth that would never pass judgement & a mind that most definatly wouldn't think any less of you? You have, you say. Okay then...let me ask you this. Have you ever had a person in the above descriptions be ripped from your life over night? Yes, you say again. Alright then...let me ask you one more thing; did said describable person that was ripped from your life in one night take his/her own life in possibly the most inhumane, malicious way one can take one's life?

Didn't think so.

I'm not going to go into how he did it or what possible reasons he could have had to do such a thing because I would be lying if I said I knew.

I know generically what happened but with the most watered down information one can grasp. At the time I was 19 years old & was being treated like a 5 year old. I just wish whoever knows what really happened to him would tell me so I can finally stop racking my brain in hopes to come up with an answer.

It's been 3 days (minus the couple cat naps I took) since I've slept. I have insomnia because of what happened a year ago. Guilty to even think of sleeping not knowing the answer of why or how.

I remember that day too vivadly for my own good. It was a rather beautiful day for such tragedy to take place...honesty I don't want to upset myself anymore than I already am, so i'm not going to write about how my day played out. One of these days I'll write a blog that describes it all & with details & such, but not today.

...

I wish he was here to see the things I've done. To tell me for the millionth time that I don't suck, that being an artist was just what God intended for me. I wish I could show him my first publication. I wish I could tell him about my friends here, about the time I got drunk & confessed ever feeling towards Colorado, or all the adventures we went on. I wish he could come visit me like he wanted or see the first person in our family attend/graduate from art school. I wish I could hear him say he was proud of me one last time.

I think I've done a good year worth of wondering for the both of us. I wonder what he would have accomplished in the last year, what he would have done, what challenges he would have faces, what advice he would have gave me, what plans we would have made, what smiles he would have brought...

...

and most defiantly how much pain he would have saw he brought everyone by the choice he made & hopefully, just hopefully he would have thought it over just for a couple seconds more...

Sometimes I text him in foolhardy hopes that he will reply back. Nothing yet...