Day 213-220: This is the end of what I thought was the beginning.

Things happened since the last time a posted. Things that changed me.

I will never be the same person again. All I can do is try & get over it. Part of me just wants to die, but I know that's not the way out of it. Alaska, Massachusetts & Florida have been there for me, supporting me, being the good friends they are; taking care of me when I felt like I had no one & no reason. That I'm worth more than I think.

I don't think I'll ever get married or have kids. I don't think I will ever fall in love again, but this blog isn't about a break up or something sappy with a happy in between, I promise you. My trust for people has utterly subsided & is no more. I'm in a limbo & I'm stuck.

Some how I feel like it's my fault even though I know it's not. I just want to be left alone for a couple weeks, concentrate on my work for once & take what happened as an opportunity to make my art for what it's worth.

There is this guy, we will call him California since that's where he's from. I look up to him, I really do. He's been through so much & I think he can relate what I went through with him now; kind of. California is probably one of the few men I would now trust in my life. I adore him.

Day 212-216: Everyone should read this one.

It may have taken me a while, but I've come to realize that I'm here for school. Not relationships, not to have fun, not to be lazy, not to get away, not to do anything BUT get the education I paid 70k for & am totally sucking at right now.

People piss me off to be honest. I don't like Massachusetts & the vast amount of cocky S.O.Bs in it. Some that are not even originally from MA so I shouldn't just target MA.

From here on out, I'm not giving a fuck about anything. I never gave a damn about anything really before, but that was a health 'not giving a damn'; like the little things that really don't matter & yet people seem to make a big deal about it. I am straight out not giving a hardy FUCK anymore. I don't swear a lot or at least try not to. I think it's pointless & doesn't make you anymore of a bigger person than you are already or not. But I felt like it was appropriate here.

Just thought I would make it clear to anyone who reads my blog & goes to my school & happens to think I am so much as in a 'bad mood' or 'pissed off' as they see me that I'm not, at all.

I.Just.Don't.Care.

I'm tired of being a nice guy & just being stepped on. Fuck it.

If you read this & feel a bit angry about it or have a little guilty fuzz tickling you on the insides, well it's probably directed towards you. I'm not going to specify who(m) this blog is about, but you can take it as you please.

Also, I'm deleting my Facebook. If you want to read my blog, you'll just have to check it everyday. I plan on posting everyday even if it's a couple of sentences.

Just a proposition.

Just a side note actually. I love getting mail, but the only person that has sent me mail is my Dad & it's usually just money with a sticky note.

I want to get real letters.

Good ol' fashioned letters.

Can everyone send me a lovely letter? I will send one back & I will draw you a picture.

Lisa Shaver

137 3rd St.

Turners Falls, MA 01376

Day 203-211: It feels like the begining

It's been way too long. School has been kicking me in the ass lately.

We have finally reached our year end portfolio. The big cheese of portfolios. How big a cheese you ask? Welp, we have 27 shoots where we can't use students or the same model more than once. Along with that, we have to build a website.

This is going to be rather difficult without a car.

I hate relying on people, I would rather just do things alone & get the help when I need it. I one of those people.

Today I had to call into school because I didn't have a ride, which made me feel like a sap. I was up & ready by 7am. A good hour before school starts, but I had no ride in the end.

I think I may clean my room today, I seem to be a bit depressed & over all bummed. So, maybe cleaning my room will help.

One more thing, feeling a baby in a tummy is by far the most amazing thing. I got to 'meet' my niece this last week during spring break. I also got to see my sister fat for the first time in her life. Pretty kool.

I feel like I just started school not to long ago. I also feel like I didn't accomplish anything worth wild. Nothing spectacular, nothing that would awe anyone nor make them proud. Maybe it will hit me on graduation day. I feel like a slacker.

Day 197-202: It's a girl.

What am I doing here? Seriously.

Sadly today is one of those days where I feel like I don't have a passion anymore. I'm confused & lost for the first time this year. I don't know what I want nor how to obtain it. When people give me positive reinforcement it's nothing but a jumble of letters that circle my head. None of it means anything to me. I wish it did, I wish I could believe what people tell me, but I've learned over that past year that no one can be trusted even with words meant to be kind.

It's upsetting not having anyone here who understands you. They might think they do, but when it comes down to it, they only understand you as much as you want them to.

I miss my mom & my sisters, but not their judgement.

This winter needs to go away, it's depressing the hell out of me. Also, my room mate needs to turn down her music because quite frankly I do not want nor care 'how low you go' or 'how to crank that soulja boy'.

At least I still have a sense of humor.

It's been a while since I've posted one of my own photographs, so here you go.

Oh, by the way. Remember that 'big news' I talked about in one of my older posts, but didn't specify? Well, I'm going to be an aunt, I will also be having a niece. It's not as excited to other people, but the way it came about was surprising defiantly since we aren't the 'type of family that does that before marriage'. I'm excited nonetheless.

Day 194-196: Say what you want

I'm pale.

I have blue baby-doll eyes.

I stand no taller than a tall midget.

I'm 'pleasantly plump'.

I love myself.

But I'm modest.

I will never go tanning. I don't waste my summer days wasting my time leathering my skin.

I love my eye color. I love the dark blue rim on the outside, the yellow specs in the middle & the light blue that sits so comfortably in the middle.

I am short, but there is nothing I can do about it. Would I like to be taller? Sure. But i'm fine where I am. The weather is nicer down here anyways.

I am not stick skinny. That's fine. I've got the curves that any women would pay a plastic surgeon to artificially stuff them with. Before anorexic & fake boobs, there was this thing called 'beauty'. We all have it.

I love who I am. Looks get the attention, but the personality gets the heart. I'm beautiful on the outside & also beautiful on the inside.

Call me cocky, narcissistic &/or arrogant. Quite frankly, my dear, I do not give a fuck.

Just needed to get that off my chest, to clarify that I am who I am & I love it. Since people like to say rude things behind my back & think I won't find out. Whatever you say DOES NOT hurt me; so stop wasting your time.

Day 189-193: I miss them

I miss my family.

I miss seeing them everyday.

I miss how Saturday was always pizza night.

I miss the awkward yet funny dinner conversations.

I miss hugging my mom.

I miss hanging out with my sisters.

I miss getting shit from my mom & having my dad back me up.

I miss getting good night kisses.

I miss watching stupid TV shows with them.

I miss not having to worry.